...well... hopefully it is. I'm pretty upset.
The last time I kept a journal was during my freshman year of high school. The only reason I haven't burned it yet is because I want to give it to a future daughter to show her how stupid I was and (hopefully) to help her avoid making the same mistakes I did. If I wasn't saving it for that reason.. it would be gone by now.
It took me awhile to come back to journaling. I just felt stupid every time I tried, afraid that I was going to be shallow and lame and only write about how my day was and boys and etc.
But in February of 2011, I was apparently really depressed and I found this journal that my grandmother had given me and I wrote this poem. I also wrote this quote beside the poem: "We learn to look to the past to see the victory He's won and we look to the future with hope."
This quote isn't just about the Bible and our walk with the Lord, but I think it also sums up my journal. I look back every now and then to see if I wrote anything on the specific day, and it's so encouraging to see how much I've grown. I've grown in my relationship with the Lord, my understanding of Him, and my knowledge of life.
My journal is full of quotes that I find inspiring, Bible verses, poems and stories that I have written in order to get my feelings out. It's full of joy and sorrow, songs and screams. I don't write in it every day. I only write when I feel inspired or down trodden. But the Lord has met me there, in this little red book.
Elizabeth Elliot said that "the recognition of who God is is a lifelong process." C.S. Lewis also said that "when you come to know God, the initiative lies on his side. If he does not show himself, nothing you can do will enable you to find him."
It is through this book and my writing down my thoughts and desires that I have continued this life-long process. And, by answering my prayers, God has shown himself to me through this book.
I think that's why I am so sad that I'm almost finished. Of course, I'm excited to see what the Lord will do in my life during this next year and what He will show me while I write in the new moleskin I just bought. But I'm sad to finish this chapter of growth.
Unlike the journal that I kept in ninth grade, I will NOT be contemplating burning this book. This one will have a loving home on my shelf. Unlike the journal written freshman year, This book will be going to college with me.
Do you have a little red book? What has the Lord been showing you recently?
love, CA
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